Ezekel Alan

This blog is about: cotton candy, cold milo, midgets, mangoes, sex, aged rum – everything but writing my next book

Archive for the month “December, 2011”

What I got for #&^%$%(* Christmas

Merry Christmas

Image via Wikipedia

My boss gave me two days off over the holidays, and I am taking 15 minutes from that time to ask the following questions and make the following wish:


  • If what I got for Christmas was a spa certificate and when I went a very attractive masseuse gave me a nice rub down BUT wouldn’t allow me to, in return, also rub her down…did I receive a GIFT or an INJUSTICE?
  • If what I got for Christmas was the smallest Christmas bonus I have ever gotten (because of the %$#@*& recession)…did I receive a GIFT or the 43rd REASON I do not like my boss?
  • If what I got for Christmas was the IPad2 and I already have the IPad…did I receive a GIFT, an UPGRADE of a gift, or just a camera?
  • If what I got for Christmas was an envelope with US$30 in it and I am over 40 years old, did I receive a traditional Jamaican GIFT or another REASON I won’t be visiting that cheap aunt next year?
  • If what I received for Christmas was a miniature replica of a Ferrari and not the car itself…did I receive a GIFT or did someone stick their hand up my &^%$ and smile at me?
  • If what I got for Christmas from my boss was a card with a photo of him with his family…did I receive a GIFT or the 44th REASON not to like him?
  • If what I got for Christmas was a metal watch from someone I have, many times before, told that I do not like %$#&^*()$#%^ metal watches but rather leather…did I receive a GIFT or a REASON that could legitimise violence?
  • If what I got for Christmas was yet another ^%$*& book…did I receive a GIFT or a REASON to tell someone what I really think about her?
  •  If what I got for Christmas was a Starbucks gift certificate… did I receive a GIFT or an ACT of laziness?


I would like to wish the three persons who gave me gifts I wanted a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and everyone else can #@%$*&^% off!

By the way, I have now finished reading Room. Rating – Very Good.


The things that go on upstairs

When a man that everyone thinks is mad insists “I am not mad”, more often than not no one believes him. They say he’s mad and doesn’t know he’s mad.

I am mad, and I often say “I am mad,” and yet, more often than not, no one believes me. People say, “You are a mad man,” but they mean it in the good-natured way. And they laugh with me. And when they laugh I see their white teeth, sometimes stained brown with coffee, and dirt, and evil, and deception, and sorrow, and the mildewed teardrops of a crying universe.


When they laugh I see their brownish teeth

On a good day I will also see their tongues, forked, like the devil’s, and I will hop on it like a train and go where it takes me. And by then I no longer see my friends while they talk and laugh with their wide open mouths.

By then, I am comfortably ensconced inside myself. I’ve gone upstairs to visit with my mind and chat about old times and the passing of the seasons.

Perhaps it is in this sense that folks could be correct: I am aware of my own madness, which perhaps means I am Acceptably Mad. I know I have left their world, and I know exactly where I am – even if I don’t know how to get away from there.

I am also aware of these facts:

I read a lot, sleep a little, and have sex far less often than I would want to. I dream rarely, but nightmare often; I eat a bit, exercise a bit less; eat mangoes in haste, but I pee slowly. This latter is only because of age. When I touch myself, it is my toe that I touch, because it feels like the part of me I am least acquainted with for being so far and remote.

I also think a lot:

About cold milo, sex, cotton candy, books I have loved (I really love you Angela’s Ashes, I genuinely do) and, of course, my toes and each of their emotions.

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

The range of emotions of my toes

But, more than all of these, I think about kids. Kids whose Disappointments and Despairs I would like to steal while they sleep, and slip Hope and Possibilities beneath their pillows – although, in truth, the kids I often think about do not have pillows.

I am now scheming. Watch me scheme: scheme, scheme, scheme, scheme. Aha! My madness, my beloved madness, has led me to the secret hiding place of a Plan to help some of these kids. “Hello Plan, I mean you no harm, I have just come to talk…though I should let you know upfront, that I have every intention of using you.”

Next: The Plan.

The old stuff inside my closet

Deutsch: Kleiderschrank um die Jahrhundertwend...

Image via Wikipedia

I went to have a look around an old closet this evening before turning in for bed. I am not sure what inspired the sudden curiosity, but somehow I found myself standing in front of the closet just looking at it. The first thought that crossed my mind was how we sometimes surprise ourselves with the things we find when we go looking through the old ‘stuff’ that we’ve left abandoned for years.

When I opened the closet a pile of old clothes immediately came tumbling down. Of course, there was also the cobwebs, cockroaches, and the stale smell of mustiness. I have to confess that none of this was really surprising.

I did find something surprising however: when I reached up to pull the string to turn on the light inside the closet, you wouldn’t believe the size of the secret that fell on my head!

This one was from a long time ago. I had stuck it inside that closet when I was 23 years old, and left it there for nearly twenty years. Not once had I gone to check on it.

I guess some things get easier and some harder with time. I’ve practiced lying to women for over 20 years, and that has gotten much easier with time. I have practiced peeing for over 40 years, but that seems to be getting more difficult. You just can’t tell with these things I guess.

I know that I haven’t practiced much, but I do find it very hard to face some of the things I have done in the past. I’m not sure whether more or less practice is needed.

Anyway, when I was 23 I hadn’t fully formed the habit of lying. My Lying was still in its infancy, hadn’t yet formed strong teeth and bones. That Lie was one of the young, difficult ones.

I have often wanted to talk to someone about that Lie.


I no longer have a wife.

One thing I know is that it is hard to have a man-to-man talk with your daughter. I don’t have any sons, just 12 daughters. Lie! I don’t have 12 daughters, just 4. Lie again! See how easy that was? I am a liar! That’s something my mother didn’t know, but my 1st wife knew a lot about.

Anyway, I was saying that sometimes I yearn for a man to man talk, but in the absence of a son, or any close friends, I often resort to talking with my dog. I have a male dog, a real macho male dog that is like a brother to me. Maybe I’ll go feed my dog and have a real man-to-man chat with him about some of the things I’ve done.

I have bigger demons to wrestle with today!

6:30 am

Move! Get away from me! Y’all stink! Y’all are filthy and disgusting! I hate you, all of you! Leave me alone! I can’t believe I gave birth to you nasty, stinking repulsive creatures! Leave! I don’t want any of you near me! Repugnant!

6:45 am

Please thoughts, please come back. I didn’t mean what I said. I was just tired and frustrated. Of course, you are all my thoughts. I promise I will never disown you again or speak to you like that. Please come back.

7:00 am

It is only 7 am and I am already completely fed up with myself!

Bloody hangover still lingers.

Had to pee on my own leg to get warm water in the shower!

Nothing on the table for breakfast!

No luck last night picking up a woman who could make breakfast!

I am totally fed up!

Went outside just now and most of the clouds had left, but one lingered behind.

This one put on a dark menacing face. The ‘you are unwelcome here’ look. The “I am going to rain on you if you come outside look.”

I said to cloud, “Are you threatening me?”

Then I punched it in its face!

It went away.

Next time cloud, just pass on by, and leave me the hell alone.

Now I have bigger demons to fight!

English: [detail].

Image via Wikipedia

Things you won’t hear me say

Objective for the day

My objective for the day was simple: survive. What I said to myself: Just keep your toes warm Ezekel, these meetings must end, and the day will come when no one in the world will want to talk about internal rates of return and appropriate discount values.

Seeing that I was already not working on my novel, I thought I would use my time productively in the meeting. I decided to think. So I thought.

This is what I thought of:

Things you may or may never hear me say

  1. Boss, no matter how often you ask, the answer is always going to be the same: No! I do not need a performance bonus this year!
    1. Likelihood of hearing me say – never.
  2. I will not stop eating cotton candy until a woman goes on a date with me! I am serious!
    1. Likelihood of hearing me say – very.
  3. No, no, please, I don’t want anymore numbers. I can’t call all of you. Thanks, but really, I can’t. You are beautiful, you too, you are all beautiful. Don’t cry sweetheart… ok I will take one more number, really no more, please ladies.
    1. Likelihood of hearing me say – High, if my soon-to-be-released novel is a huge success. Likelihood of my soon-to-be-released novel being a huge success – nil.
  4. You think I wanted to be rich, famous, sought after and good looking? Is that what you all think? That this is something I planned? I just can’t help it, this is just what was meant to be!
  5. On the phone with my boss: “No, boss, I am not in office as yet. No, I am not on my way. Well, I wasn’t planning on coming in. No, I am not sick. No I won’t be in tomorrow either. No, I am not coming in for the rest of the week. Well, to be honest, I won’t be coming back at all.”
    1. Likelihood of hearing me say – see 3A above.

Closing thoughts in the meeting

Could this happen?

Me: Hi honey

Bossy Wife: Where were you last night? Why didn’t you come home?

Me: Well, you see, when I was coming home a big green lizard jumped on me and –

Bossy Wife: Do you really want me to believe some bullshit story that a lizard stop you from-

Me: No, no, no, that’s not what I am saying, honey. What I mean to say is that…well, you see, I think… well, I kinda really like this lizard, and I just come back to collect my things.

I wish this damn meeting would end!

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